What is your spaghetti policy here?

Before- Bird Law

I don't have too much to say about the before on this one. This original is pretty boring. Muted colors. Vague text. Also this makes two religious originals in as many posts, so I'm going to tread lightly to hopefully not increase my potential lightning strike odds. The thing I will say about this original  is that I've been sitting on this one for a while. There were a couple of directions I was thinking of taking the text, but generally nothing seemed to be quippy enough to fit in the allotted space. Finally the text dawned on me.

After- Bird Law

If you aren't familiar with the TV show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia this mod is probably very confusing for you. Actually this blog is probably pretty confusing for you. IASIP is a national treasure at this point. Let's add it to the list of prerequisites for liking this site. (So far the list is: 1) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and now 2) IASIP.) Now that we've established the importance of IASIP let us reflect on the mod.  It seems nothing these days is governed by reason so perhaps we should revert/evolve to Bird Law. Bird Law isn't the kind of law we have right now, but it's the kind of law we need. And if you're going to go with Bird Law, you should probably use the best god damn bird lawyer in the world.

Here at Cross Stitching for Cross People we run this ship pretty lean. Just me, the Maladjusted One, and my esteemed artistic director, the Fluffy One. We had some artistic differences on how the photos for this post would go. In the end, we took it in my direction, but I thought I would share one of the outtakes with all of my many (three-ish?) readers.

I'm sure you've all assumed it, but here's confirmation that yes most of the projects here have touched a butt. Speaking of inappropriate touching, my next post.... it's gonna be huuuuuuuge. Believe me. The lying media doesn't want you to know it's going to be one of the greatest- no the greatest mod of all time.

Work work work work work work

Whoa. I'm really picking up the pace here. Under a year this time. If only you all knew how long this one has sat finished but not posted... Oh well. On we go!

Being maladjusted shockingly doesn't pay the bills. And very few people not named Oprah truly love their jobs. For too many years I had a job that I liked certain aspects of (i.e. cash money) while disliking essentially working in a live Dilbert cartoon partially staffed with Dementors. So when I saw this kit, it immediately spoke to me. I knew what to do with it. I gladly handed over my painstakingly earned $3.99 and furiously began a stitchin'. Somewhere in between then and now I changed jobs. There is smiling at the new place. And surprise pizza parties. My progress on the kit slowed as I no longer had the daily work rage to motivate me. I eventually did power through and then stopped short of posting until.... today.

Let me just point out some of the items I found relatable in the original:

• Similar bad hair
• Having to work on an old ass computer
• General look of soul-crushed dead-ness
• Cardigans

Unrelatable items:

• Floppy hat and umbrella? I feel like it should be a one or the other situation. Or in my case neither.

I drew my inspiration for the mod from the third part of my coping trifecta- humor (the other parts being bourbon and cross stitching). 

It's hard to see (because of my poor photography skills) but I assure you that she still has the sad little thread mouth that the original has. 

It's safe to assume that anyone who has read this far is likely already familiar with the vast filmography of Will Ferrell, but I will nonetheless include the following video for reference purposes and because it makes me laugh. Every. Time.

Luckily, (for you- not me) every time I see any current events nowadays I am increasing my stores of  maladjustedness. Time to make America great(ly filled with little tiny Xs) again,

P.S. So many french knots! Like a boss!

P.P.S. Next mod will feature some Samuel L. Jackson. Hold onto your butts!

All the king's horses do the Humpty Hump!

 Another year between posts. Still no apologies. Especially for this gap. I had shit to do. (Read: Jurassic World. The Force Awakens. Deadpool). Is that enough small talk? Cool. Let's get to the business end of this post because that's frankly why we are both here.

I'm just going to assume that all of my maladjusted readers are familiar with Humpty Dumpty. It's a pretty standard nursery rhyme (standard being messed up & rhyme-y) but have you ever really thought about it? Just why is Humpty Dumpty usually portrayed as an anthropomorphic egg? Nothing in the rhyme itself mentions it. I think if you were telling a story about some guy trolling on a wall and that guy just happened to be a giant Egg-man that you might want to add that part in. I would say that's a pretty big detail.

Maybe Mr. Dumpty is depicted as an egg because the more realistic version (drunk regular dude acting a fool on the king's wall) would be a little too sad for a nursery rhyme. No wait. The more I know about the origins of nursery rhymes the more I know how messed up they are. Maybe Humpty 'Drunky' Dumpty wouldn't be sad enough unless he's also a freak of nature banished to the wall and drowning his sorrows in booze.

Most importantly: why did the all the king's horses and all the king's men try to fix Humpty up? WTF King!?! Send all of your fucking doctors or wizards!

Also,why is this Humpty wearing pants but no shoes?

I had an idea of the text of this mod immediately. Especially given Humpty's gangster wave.

It was truly a struggle to choose just one line from Digital Underground's classic. With lyrics like: "But sometimes I get ridiculous. I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice" and "Samoans do the Humpty Hump" how do you pick?

I know what you're thinking. "MO, why didn't you add the 24 kt gold finish charms?!? Wouldn't Humpty look extra dope with gold finish buttons?" We both know the answer. Laziness.

Fun Fact: The Humpty Dance came out in 1990. This kit was dated 1991. Did the song inspire this sweet kit at all?  Probably not. Just wanted to remind us both how fucking old we are.

I've got a really great project on deck. So be sure to check back in soon!*

*let's be honest. It'll be a while.

Someone needs to take it easy with the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters...

Two posts in as many days? Don't get used to it dear readers. I actually took some time to look around on blogger and learned 2 things. 1) I can schedule posts to be published  (hence I am writing this on Wednesday and posting this on Friday whilst the real the MO is in the middle of a 16.5 hour work day.) and 2) blogger tracks my traffic sources. 

Apparently there has been some traffic from pinterest. I have not pinned anything from this site but am really curious to see what has been pinned. I did some lazy pinterest searches for things like cross stitch & rabies and cross stitching & fml and didn't come up with anything. I feel like the prime audience for pinterest is middle aged teachers (no offense Mr. the MO!), stay at home moms who enjoy making things out of pallets, and people planning weddings. I don't know what this blog would have to offer any of them. Oh well. If you do see any of this on pinterest lemme know.

On to the good stuff. This kit was yet another love/morbid fascination at first sight. 

   

Why would a dolphin need a floaty? Or sunglasses? Or a lei? My guess is in the post title... Despite having no good reasons for any of what is wearing this dolphin is looking fancy as fuck. That's why I thought it was deserving of a hot bitches label. This kit had been in the nearly done stage for a long time. Then the right text finally hit me.

Once again, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy explains everything. Everything. If you have never read or heard of h2G2, then you (my former friend) and I are "fucking done, professionally." (if I might be so bold as to quote Batman.)

Alternative texts for this mod were as follows:

• "When life gives you trouble.. blow blow!"
• underwater cocaine didn't seem to really work.

• "Looks like someone needs more Haldol!"
• free drug marketing? nope. even I have standards.

I've got 99 problems and a bitch is one.

A cute animal and a pun! What a lovely item for a retired women to hang in the bathroom of her summer lake cottage. It's cool for the grandkids to see it because there's a dog and it's not really swearing. Who could ask for more of a kit? Oh yes, I could. I admit this isn't a terribly clever rephrasing, but they can't all be spectacular folks.


Also, I would apologize for the lapse in updates but.... 1) this shit takes a while to finish, 2) I've had other shit to do, 3) I'll make it up to you with a bunch of updates in the next few weeks. So I guess what I'm saying is: I'm not sorry.

So Girly!!!

I'm not totally sure why I was so annoyed by this kit. I think part of the annoyance comes from how it is marketed for exactly the 10 year old girl that I was not. Flowers! Pink! Butterflies! Girrrrrrl Power! meh. No thanks. Also, WWAC?: when were acronyms cool? Never.


The other thing that irked me was that this kit just seems so calculated. "Great Minds Think Alike"? It just seems a bit over the top for the age group this is aimed at. What young girl is seriously going to buy this, stitch it and hang in up in her iCarly themed bedroom? Well since I found this in the clearance section of the craft store, I'm going to say very few.

My guess is this is more of something that women would gift to young girls. It might quell their inner feminist in that it has an uplifting gender/racial equality message in addition to being soooooo girly!

P.C.ness be damned this kit needed some help.


The alternate text idea for this was: RHBL Racial Harmony Begins with Lesbians.

Track suits look even better in tiny x's

Oh women! They love shopping and bitching about exercise. It's not sexist because it's true.


As offensive as this was to start with, I decided that this text wasn't really working.

If you have to single-handedly save the economy by maxing out your credit cards on track suits you'd be hauling ass too.