Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Well, Clarice - have the lambs stopped screaming?

So to change things up I present to you my first wearable mod. And it's my first stamped cross stitch mod. The kit had washable ink so it was possible for me to bastardize the text, pop it in the washer and voila.

I've been holding onto this mod for quite a while and have subsequently lost the original packaging. How are you ever going to see the original design? By clicking here. For all of you dear readers too lazy to click on the link and for when the link inevitably goes extinct and I am inevitably too lazy to update it, the original text read: "Conserve Water, Drink Wine"

Not quite sure if it's more of a jab at environmentalism or a playful promotional of alcoholism. Probably a mix of both. One major concern that I have is that this apron is white. Wtf, right? When you go all Julia Childs in the kitchen and get some of your booze on your dark colored apron there's no issue. With the white apron you'd have to take a break from your cooking and drinking to break out the OxiClean. Not cool.

Second concern, who would use this as is? Perhaps the spouse of some semi-retired professor would wear it while hosting a dinner party for the couple's euchre club/ friends of the library posse / grad students groupies. Or perhaps for the same person lushing-out at home alone while the same semi-retired professor is out doing field research and possibly a co-ed in some exotic locale.

On to the mod. I'm presenting this part without comment, but feel free to add your own. Enjoy and Happy Halloween!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Can I haz u call 911?

Hello again to anyone who happens to read this. So I've taken another long hiatus again. I would apologize and say it won't happen again, but those would be lies. It's been a busy 7 months or so since I posted last. And when I wasn't busy I was often (usually) too tired (lazy) to toil away on my cross stitching for my adoring (non-existent) fanbase.

I am 3/4 of the way done with a project that will probably be even more awesome than the one I am posting now. I also plan on finishing up a couple more projects that just need text (like the drugged out dolphin one, ideas still welcome). These claims of fast approaching blog posts may in fact not be lies, as the next season of dexter just came out on dvd and nothing melts my icy heart like crafting to dexter (or hearing a cool island song).

Now onto the maladjusted-ness:

Motivational posters, bumper stickers, books, speakers and cross stitches do not (surprising absolutely no one) motivate me. Add cats into the mix and I've reached a stage of demotivation:

Hang in there?!? This cat could be hanging over a pile of sharks or lava or chuck norris and the only advice you have for it is "hang in there"? If you were truly concerned for the safety and well being of this animal more appropriate text could include: "Try to roll a bit when you land so as not to shatter your legs" or "Well at least you'll have 8 lives left."

I don't think this cat is feeling the suggestion that it just hang in there. The expression on its face is definitely not hopeful optimism that its situation will improve. It's more of a Les Miserables-esque expression that
sometimes perhaps life just sucks for a prolonged period of time and then you die.

I thought this kit could be improved by a little phrase I was introduced to in the last few years:

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this cross stitch, although the itteh bitteh kitteh committeh tried to censure my sweet ass for it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

can you hear me now?

Babies contribute very little to society. They don't work. They can't do basic calculus. They are doing absolutely nothing to lower their carbon footprints. All babies do is ooze vile secretions and make unintelligible noises. And yet we reward them. We buy them colorful baby cages and baby chew toys and whimsical replicas of taxidermied animals. And now... and now we apparently mark their mere occurrence with crafts. Exhibit A:

Some quick thoughts:
  • 2004? Really? Kids that were born in 2004 don't have or use rotary phones. Or phones with cords.
  • If you are announcing the arrival of a baby via cross stitch and that baby is old enough to hold and operate a phone then you are a little bit behind.
  • Once a baby is in the phone operation stage I would hope they would be a little less gender neutral.
  • Don't be surprised if your friend/co-worker/family member/baby momma/who ever the hell else you're making this for is less than thrilled that you are representing their brand new infant as a 2 year old version of Pat from SNL.
  • Perhaps Annabelle is calling up her lawyer to get her name changed to something that isn't a name for either cows or contestants on "Toddlers and Tiaras"
  • Well I guess it would be ok to name a kid Annabelle/Annabel as an Edgar Allan Poe shout out. And by ok, I don't mean not creepy because it would be creepy and I doubt a teal jumpsuit/onesie would really be a representative baby outfit for your Poe child. I'm sure you'd be picking up baby clothes from Hot Topic while getting post-maternity Nightmare Before Christmas hoodies for yourself.
  • And Annabelle Marie. Marie? Come on guys- show some imagination! Give the kid a crazy ass middle name like.... anything that a celebrity would give their kid as a first name.
  • Did I mention that I'm really confused by the phone?
Oh hey, I also mod-ed this:

I didn't feel like ironing this or properly lighting the picture. If you want to give this to your non-biological father for some sort of passive aggressive catharsis I would totally iron it for you first.

P.S. This post was all an elaborate plan to rid of all of my readers name Annabelle. I hope it worked. They've really been messing things up.