Saturday, January 22, 2011

can you hear me now?

Babies contribute very little to society. They don't work. They can't do basic calculus. They are doing absolutely nothing to lower their carbon footprints. All babies do is ooze vile secretions and make unintelligible noises. And yet we reward them. We buy them colorful baby cages and baby chew toys and whimsical replicas of taxidermied animals. And now... and now we apparently mark their mere occurrence with crafts. Exhibit A:

Some quick thoughts:
  • 2004? Really? Kids that were born in 2004 don't have or use rotary phones. Or phones with cords.
  • If you are announcing the arrival of a baby via cross stitch and that baby is old enough to hold and operate a phone then you are a little bit behind.
  • Once a baby is in the phone operation stage I would hope they would be a little less gender neutral.
  • Don't be surprised if your friend/co-worker/family member/baby momma/who ever the hell else you're making this for is less than thrilled that you are representing their brand new infant as a 2 year old version of Pat from SNL.
  • Perhaps Annabelle is calling up her lawyer to get her name changed to something that isn't a name for either cows or contestants on "Toddlers and Tiaras"
  • Well I guess it would be ok to name a kid Annabelle/Annabel as an Edgar Allan Poe shout out. And by ok, I don't mean not creepy because it would be creepy and I doubt a teal jumpsuit/onesie would really be a representative baby outfit for your Poe child. I'm sure you'd be picking up baby clothes from Hot Topic while getting post-maternity Nightmare Before Christmas hoodies for yourself.
  • And Annabelle Marie. Marie? Come on guys- show some imagination! Give the kid a crazy ass middle name like.... anything that a celebrity would give their kid as a first name.
  • Did I mention that I'm really confused by the phone?
Oh hey, I also mod-ed this:

I didn't feel like ironing this or properly lighting the picture. If you want to give this to your non-biological father for some sort of passive aggressive catharsis I would totally iron it for you first.

P.S. This post was all an elaborate plan to rid of all of my readers name Annabelle. I hope it worked. They've really been messing things up.