Can I haz u call 911?

Hello again to anyone who happens to read this. So I've taken another long hiatus again. I would apologize and say it won't happen again, but those would be lies. It's been a busy 7 months or so since I posted last. And when I wasn't busy I was often (usually) too tired (lazy) to toil away on my cross stitching for my adoring (non-existent) fanbase.

I am 3/4 of the way done with a project that will probably be even more awesome than the one I am posting now. I also plan on finishing up a couple more projects that just need text (like the drugged out dolphin one, ideas still welcome). These claims of fast approaching blog posts may in fact not be lies, as the next season of dexter just came out on dvd and nothing melts my icy heart like crafting to dexter (or hearing a cool island song).

Now onto the maladjusted-ness:

Motivational posters, bumper stickers, books, speakers and cross stitches do not (surprising absolutely no one) motivate me. Add cats into the mix and I've reached a stage of demotivation:




Hang in there?!? This cat could be hanging over a pile of sharks or lava or chuck norris and the only advice you have for it is "hang in there"? If you were truly concerned for the safety and well being of this animal more appropriate text could include: "Try to roll a bit when you land so as not to shatter your legs" or "Well at least you'll have 8 lives left."

I don't think this cat is feeling the suggestion that it just hang in there. The expression on its face is definitely not hopeful optimism that its situation will improve. It's more of a Les Miserables-esque expression that sometimes perhaps life just sucks for a prolonged period of time and then you die.

I thought this kit could be improved by a little phrase I was introduced to in the last few years:


Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this cross stitch, although the itteh bitteh kitteh committeh tried to censure my sweet ass for it.

can you hear me now?

Babies contribute very little to society. They don't work. They can't do basic calculus. They are doing absolutely nothing to lower their carbon footprints. All babies do is ooze vile secretions and make unintelligible noises. And yet we reward them. We buy them colorful baby cages and baby chew toys and whimsical replicas of taxidermied animals. And now... and now we apparently mark their mere occurrence with crafts. Exhibit A:


Some quick thoughts:

• 2004? Really? Kids that were born in 2004 don't have or use rotary phones. Or phones with cords.
  
• If you are announcing the arrival of a baby via cross stitch and that baby is old enough to hold and operate a phone then you are a little bit behind.
  
• Once a baby is in the phone operation stage I would hope they would be a little less gender neutral.
  
• Don't be surprised if your friend/co-worker/family member/baby momma/who ever the hell else you're making this for is less than thrilled that you are representing their brand new infant as a 2 year old version of Pat from SNL.
• Perhaps Annabelle is calling up her lawyer to get her name changed to something that isn't a name for either cows or contestants on "Toddlers and Tiaras"
• Well I guess it would be ok to name a kid Annabelle/Annabel as an Edgar Allan Poe shout out. And by ok, I don't mean not creepy because it would be creepy and I doubt a teal jumpsuit/onesie would really be a representative baby outfit for your Poe child. I'm sure you'd be picking up baby clothes from Hot Topic while getting post-maternity Nightmare Before Christmas hoodies for yourself.
  
• And Annabelle Marie. Marie? Come on guys- show some imagination! Give the kid a crazy ass middle name like.... anything that a celebrity would give their kid as a first name.
  
• Did I mention that I'm really confused by the phone?
  

Oh hey, I also mod-ed this:

I didn't feel like ironing this or properly lighting the picture. If you want to give this to your non-biological father for some sort of passive aggressive catharsis I would totally iron it for you first.

P.S. This post was all an elaborate plan to rid of all of my readers name Annabelle. I hope it worked. They've really been messing things up.

Down the rabbit hole kiddies!

Although I'm not a fan of bunnies, flowers and butterflies, the thing that most drew me to mod-ing this kit was the already present bizarreness of it. Perhaps the original pic to too small to show you what I mean.


Yep, this is a close up of the rabbit, stitched exactly as the kit instructs. That is one creepy-ass smile and glare. One good look at creeper rabbit makes you really start the question the kit as a whole. You'd think with a phrase like "All things are possible with God" you'd have some motivational rainbows or birds or shit like that. Not a bunny that looks like he is plotting a forest coup. I much as I would like to leave this as is and interpret this kit to mean that God will make it possible for me to have an army of evil ninja rabbits, I decided it make it make a little more sense.

Bam! You didn't see a pun coming did you? I hate puns as much as anyone else but this was just too perfect.

P.S. You're damn right I added another butterfly!
P.P.S. Hope little Peter Creeper Tail doesn't haunt you in your dreams.

Decisions, decisions

I couldn't pass up this kit and the sheer craziness of its image. It's done minus the words and I haven't quite found the right phrase to do it justice. If you've got any ideas for this one leave it in the comments section. Who knows I could select your phrase and you could win the personal satisfaction that I felt your phrase was inappropriately hilarious.

Q: Why is this dolphin wearing sunglasses? I mean how much sun do you get underwater?
A: The sun never sets on a bad ass.

I've got 99 problems and a bitch is one.

A cute animal and a pun! What a lovely item for a retired women to hang in the bathroom of her summer lake cottage. It's cool for the grandkids to see it because there's a dog and it's not really swearing. Who could ask for more of a kit? Oh yes, I could. I admit this isn't a terribly clever rephrasing, but they can't all be spectacular folks.


Also, I would apologize for the lapse in updates but.... 1) this shit takes a while to finish, 2) I've had other shit to do, 3) I'll make it up to you with a bunch of updates in the next few weeks. So I guess what I'm saying is: I'm not sorry.

Happiness is... a pretty subjective thing.

Cutesy border, flowers, bunnies, lovey-dovey sayings. Awwww. Too bad those rabbits don't quite look like they are super excited about marriage. It looks more of a 'we just won something sweet on The Price is Right' sort of happiness. What could these bunnies be so damn happy about? I think I know...

A couple that kills together enjoys spousal testimonial privilege together. I'm lucky that my best friend finds this hilarious instead of finding it a reason to have me evaluated.

So Girly!!!

I'm not totally sure why I was so annoyed by this kit. I think part of the annoyance comes from how it is marketed for exactly the 10 year old girl that I was not. Flowers! Pink! Butterflies! Girrrrrrl Power! meh. No thanks. Also, WWAC?: when were acronyms cool? Never.


The other thing that irked me was that this kit just seems so calculated. "Great Minds Think Alike"? It just seems a bit over the top for the age group this is aimed at. What young girl is seriously going to buy this, stitch it and hang in up in her iCarly themed bedroom? Well since I found this in the clearance section of the craft store, I'm going to say very few.

My guess is this is more of something that women would gift to young girls. It might quell their inner feminist in that it has an uplifting gender/racial equality message in addition to being soooooo girly!

P.C.ness be damned this kit needed some help.


The alternate text idea for this was: RHBL Racial Harmony Begins with Lesbians.