All the king's horses do the Humpty Hump!

 Another year between posts. Still no apologies. Especially for this gap. I had shit to do. (Read: Jurassic World. The Force Awakens. Deadpool). Is that enough small talk? Cool. Let's get to the business end of this post because that's frankly why we are both here.

I'm just going to assume that all of my maladjusted readers are familiar with Humpty Dumpty. It's a pretty standard nursery rhyme (standard being messed up & rhyme-y) but have you ever really thought about it? Just why is Humpty Dumpty usually portrayed as an anthropomorphic egg? Nothing in the rhyme itself mentions it. I think if you were telling a story about some guy trolling on a wall and that guy just happened to be a giant Egg-man that you might want to add that part in. I would say that's a pretty big detail.

Maybe Mr. Dumpty is depicted as an egg because the more realistic version (drunk regular dude acting a fool on the king's wall) would be a little too sad for a nursery rhyme. No wait. The more I know about the origins of nursery rhymes the more I know how messed up they are. Maybe Humpty 'Drunky' Dumpty wouldn't be sad enough unless he's also a freak of nature banished to the wall and drowning his sorrows in booze.

Most importantly: why did the all the king's horses and all the king's men try to fix Humpty up? WTF King!?! Send all of your fucking doctors or wizards!

Also,why is this Humpty wearing pants but no shoes?

I had an idea of the text of this mod immediately. Especially given Humpty's gangster wave.

It was truly a struggle to choose just one line from Digital Underground's classic. With lyrics like: "But sometimes I get ridiculous. I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice" and "Samoans do the Humpty Hump" how do you pick?

I know what you're thinking. "MO, why didn't you add the 24 kt gold finish charms?!? Wouldn't Humpty look extra dope with gold finish buttons?" We both know the answer. Laziness.

Fun Fact: The Humpty Dance came out in 1990. This kit was dated 1991. Did the song inspire this sweet kit at all?  Probably not. Just wanted to remind us both how fucking old we are.

I've got a really great project on deck. So be sure to check back in soon!*

*let's be honest. It'll be a while.

Someone needs to take it easy with the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters...

Two posts in as many days? Don't get used to it dear readers. I actually took some time to look around on blogger and learned 2 things. 1) I can schedule posts to be published  (hence I am writing this on Wednesday and posting this on Friday whilst the real the MO is in the middle of a 16.5 hour work day.) and 2) blogger tracks my traffic sources. 

Apparently there has been some traffic from pinterest. I have not pinned anything from this site but am really curious to see what has been pinned. I did some lazy pinterest searches for things like cross stitch & rabies and cross stitching & fml and didn't come up with anything. I feel like the prime audience for pinterest is middle aged teachers (no offense Mr. the MO!), stay at home moms who enjoy making things out of pallets, and people planning weddings. I don't know what this blog would have to offer any of them. Oh well. If you do see any of this on pinterest lemme know.

On to the good stuff. This kit was yet another love/morbid fascination at first sight. 

   

Why would a dolphin need a floaty? Or sunglasses? Or a lei? My guess is in the post title... Despite having no good reasons for any of what is wearing this dolphin is looking fancy as fuck. That's why I thought it was deserving of a hot bitches label. This kit had been in the nearly done stage for a long time. Then the right text finally hit me.

Once again, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy explains everything. Everything. If you have never read or heard of h2G2, then you (my former friend) and I are "fucking done, professionally." (if I might be so bold as to quote Batman.)

Alternative texts for this mod were as follows:

• "When life gives you trouble.. blow blow!"
• underwater cocaine didn't seem to really work.

• "Looks like someone needs more Haldol!"
• free drug marketing? nope. even I have standards.

Well, Clarice - have the lambs stopped screaming?

So to change things up I present to you my first wearable mod. And it's my first stamped cross stitch mod. The kit had washable ink so it was possible for me to bastardize the text, pop it in the washer and voila.

I've been holding onto this mod for quite a while and have subsequently lost the original packaging. How are you ever going to see the original design? By clicking here. For all of you dear readers too lazy to click on the link and for when the link inevitably goes extinct and I am inevitably too lazy to update it, the original text read: "Conserve Water, Drink Wine"

Not quite sure if it's more of a jab at environmentalism or a playful promotional of alcoholism. Probably a mix of both. One major concern that I have is that this apron is white. Wtf, right? When you go all Julia Childs in the kitchen and get some of your booze on your dark colored apron there's no issue. With the white apron you'd have to take a break from your cooking and drinking to break out the OxiClean. Not cool.

Second concern, who would use this as is? Perhaps the spouse of some semi-retired professor would wear it while hosting a dinner party for the couple's euchre club/ friends of the library posse / grad students groupies. Or perhaps for the same person lushing-out at home alone while the same semi-retired professor is out doing field research and possibly a co-ed in some exotic locale.

On to the mod. I'm presenting this part without comment, but feel free to add your own. Enjoy and Happy Halloween!